dramatic cat

stalking cat

cat riding on robot vacuum :P

Mum's in group therapy !!!!!

Mums in group therapy A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young  Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy  by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy  up from school and go home.

THE LOVING HUSBAND

THE LOVING HUSBAND A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"  The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

3 words

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.  I offer it to you in the hopes  that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!  A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when  Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.  This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £10.00...    on one condition..."  Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."  The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed £10 from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."

---

Fwd: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side
service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late.. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were
eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing
to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd
never played before..... from Going Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

---

The Rabbi is leaving...

At the regular Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.  There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in  Newton  and  Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.  Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"   More sighs and loud applause.  Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:  "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him".

Son in Law

 

 

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

 

Two Nuns

.Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last  instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their  habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door .  "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.    "The Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.  The two  nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can  come from  letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice  tits.." says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

8 words with 2 meanings

Eight Words with two Meanings  1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female.... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..... Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Glimmer of hope

 

'Viagra' is now available in powder form 
 for your tea. 
    
 It doesn't enhance your sexual performance 
 but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

Smile for today

>>>
>>>
>>> Wonderful English from Around the World
>>>
>>> In a Bangkok temple:
>>> IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS
>>> A MAN.
>>>
>>> Cocktail lounge , Norway :
>>> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>>>
>>> Doctors office, Rome :
>>> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>>>
>>> Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
>>> DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
>>>
>>> In a Nairobi restaurant:
>>> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>>>
>>> On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
>>> TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>>>
>>> On a poster at Kencom:
>>> ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
>>>
>>> In a City restaurant:
>>> OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
>>>
>>> In a cemetery:
>>> PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
>>> GRAVES .
>>>
>>> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
>>> GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
>>> BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
>>>
>>> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
>>> OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>>>
>>> In a Tokyo bar:
>>> SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
>>>
>>> Hotel , Yugoslavia :
>>> THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
>>> CHAMBERMAID.
>>>
>>> Hotel , Japan :
>>> YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>>>
>>> In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>>> monastery:
>>> YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
>>> SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
>>> THURSDAY.
>>>
>>> A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
>>> IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
>>> PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
>>> TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR
>>> THIS PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> Hotel, Zurich :
>>> BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
>>> SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
>>> THIS PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
>>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
>>>
>>> Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
>>> WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>>>
>>> A laundry in Rome :
>>> LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
>>> GOOD TIME.
>>> ====
>>>
>>
>

Weddings..

>
> When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
> It seemed that all of my aunts and
> The grandmotherly types used to come up
> To me, poke me in the ribs and
> Cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'..
> They stopped that shit after I
> Started doing the same thing to them at
> Funerals.

FUNNY

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow airport for New York and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo, she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.   Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?.   Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then?.   Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off... He falls flat on his face.   'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,   'Shoite,   Shoite !'   He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.   'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.   He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.     He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.   He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.   The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'   Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'   'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Lie Detector

>
> John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
> gimmick.
>
> His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
>
>
> One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
> was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
>
> It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
> returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.
>
> 'Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?'
> asked John.
>
> 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
> project,' said Tommy.
>
> The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
> him completely out of his chair.
>
> 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector. Now, tell us where
> you really were after school.'
>
> 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.
>
> 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
>
> 'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.
>
> The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
> him off his chair once more.
>
> With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
> I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
>
> 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
> lied to my parents.'
>
> The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
> nearly knocked him out of his chair.
>
> Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
> you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
> all, he is your son!'
>
> With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
> her clean out of her chair.
>

45 life lessons

>
>
> Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,
> Cleveland , Ohio
>
> "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
> me..
>
> It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
>
> My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
> more:
>
> 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
>
> 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
>
> 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
>
> 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
> and parents will. Stay in touch.
>
> 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
>
> 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
>
> 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
>
> 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
>
> 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
>
> 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
>
> 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
>
> 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
>
> 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
> journey is all about.
>
> 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
>
> 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
> God never blinks.
>
> 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
>
> 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
>
> 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
>
> 19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
> one is up to you and no one else.
>
> 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take
> no for an answer.
>
> 21.. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
> Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
>
> 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
>
> 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
>
> 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
>
> 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
>
> 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
> will this matter?'
>
> 27. Always choose life.
>
> 28. Forgive everyone, everything.
>
> 29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
>
> 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
>
> 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
>
> 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
>
> 33. Believe in miracles.
>
> 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
> did or didn't do.
>
> 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
>
> 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
>
> 37. Your children get only one childhood.
>
> 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved..
>
> 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
>
> 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
> we'd grab ours back.
>
> 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
>
> 42. The best is yet to come.
>
> 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
>
> 44. Yield.
>
> 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
>
> Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who
> will, forward this with the title '7%'.
>
> I'm in the 7%.
>
> Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
>
> Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
>
>

Fun History Lesson!

>
>
> A Fun History Lesson
>
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all
> pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the
> tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even
> afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in"
> and were the lowest of the low.
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
> water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
> used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
>
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
> in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since
> they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of
> flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
> bouquet when getting married.
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
> house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
> sons and men, then the women and finally the children.. Last of all
> the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
> someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
> Bath water!"
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
> the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
> When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
> slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
> dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
> posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
> could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
> sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
> beds came into existence..
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
> Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that
> would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
> (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
> they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all
> start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-
> way. Hence: a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
> always hung over the fire Every day they lit the fire and added
> things to the pot.. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
> meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
> pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
> Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
> Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
> porridge in the pot nine days old.
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
> special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
> show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the
> bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
> all sit around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
> poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
> next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
> of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
> the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
> walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
> burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
> and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and
> see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
> the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
> coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
> inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
> would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
> have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
> listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or
> was considered a dead ringer...
>
> And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
>
> So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these facts
> with a friend like I just did! ! !

The Moral Of The Story

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

 

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

 

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

 

'Very good,' said the teacher.

 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

 

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

 

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

 

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Claire. Aunty Claire was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

 

Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

 

'Stay way from Aunty Claire when she's been drinking.'

---