Sunday, February 26, 2006
Call Centre Conversations
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
in
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
"If I register my car in
the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
have
my file back again?".
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in
a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming
in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power
failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her
husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked.
He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Darlin', I'm going to suck the life out of those beautiful breasts and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "
Friday funnies 24/02/06
An oldie that is worth repeating
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and one
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They
weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,
she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in
general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
---------------------------------------------------------
From Roxanne
Three elderly grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About
then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out
saying, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your underpants and
we can tell your exact age."
So embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at
him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to
jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,
"You're
84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How in the world did you guess that?"
The old grandmas, laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to
ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday"
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank
to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's
litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. He hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He then ran to the school
to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set
out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then
set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned
the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered
into his office and slumped into a chair.
"I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "What should I do?"
"Pay me in advance."
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A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun
period Fun period Fun no period worry worry worry."
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From Roxanne
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady
replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
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Top Country Western Songs
10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
9. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
8. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid
She'd Win
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss
Him
3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One song is:
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've
Sure Woke Up With A Few
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From Max
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?", my daughter asked. Because it's laying outside, you don't know where
it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs", I replied. At this point, my
daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know
all this stuff?" "Uh"...I was thinking quickly,
"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it or
they don't let you be a Mommy". We walked along in silence for 2 or 3
minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get
it!", she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy".
"Exactly", I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
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The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much
until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed:
"Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number
written on it."
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From the RD
Part of my job at the District Attorney's office is to send letters to
people accused of crimes, informing them when a court date is scheduled. One
such notice was returned, clearly by a criminal mastermind, with this jotted
on the envelope, "I do not live here anymore."
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"Yesterday Dick Cheney gave an interview with Fox News.
Actually the interview did get off to a bad start when Brit Hume said, 'Mr.
Vice President, I have some questions.' And Cheney said, 'Okay, shoot.'"
--Jay Leno
Two dwarfs...
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and
take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His
depression is made worse by the fact that from the
next room he hears his friend shouting out cries of ..."Here I come
again!
ONE, TWO, THREE..... Ooohhh"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ....... Oohhh"
Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ......... Ooohh"
All night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first dwarf mutters "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an
Erection".
The second dwarf shook his head "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the F_ _ K _ _ G bed
take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His
depression is made worse by the fact that from the
next room he hears his friend shouting out cries of ..."Here I come
again!
ONE, TWO, THREE..... Ooohhh"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ....... Oohhh"
Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ......... Ooohh"
All night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first dwarf mutters "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an
Erection".
The second dwarf shook his head "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the F_ _ K _ _ G bed
English teacher
A man is at the supermarket when he notices that a rather attractive blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and
although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, and so he
says, "Sorry, do I know you?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one
of my kids!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful...
"Holy Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend
whipped me with some wet celery, tied my balls and stuck a cucumber up
my ass!?"
"No!!!" she replies coldly, "I'm your daughter's English teacher".
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm
lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the
precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know
this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the
sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact
knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the
while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Saturday, February 18, 2006
jim and john
Jim wanted to go skiing with his buddy John, so they loaded up John 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby drive leading to a magnificent estate. They asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge place all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in the main house."
"Don't worry," Jim said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the gatehouse. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way back to the gatehouse and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiingBut about nine months later Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend John and asked, "John, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said John"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," John said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"John’s face turned beet red, and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
So they pulled into a nearby drive leading to a magnificent estate. They asked the attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge place all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in the main house."
"Don't worry," Jim said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the gatehouse. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way back to the gatehouse and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiingBut about nine months later Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend John and asked, "John, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said John"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," John said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"John’s face turned beet red, and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
italian bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even shortof breath.The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what hedid to have so much energy.The 87 year old said; "well I eat Italian bread every day. It keepsyour energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he waslooking around,, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"He said, "I want 5 loaves."She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian breadbut ME?
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even shortof breath.The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what hedid to have so much energy.The 87 year old said; "well I eat Italian bread every day. It keepsyour energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he waslooking around,, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"He said, "I want 5 loaves."She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian breadbut ME?
vacuum salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away." said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away." said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
zodiac bedroom habits
Bedroom Habits....
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 - Feb 19Ruling Planet: URANUS.The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns. Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship; it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on.
They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs. Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot!
Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.
FAVE POSITIONMutual masturbation.
BEST SEX TOYA Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.
AQUARIUS MALE IN BEDHe has amazing staying power in the sack. He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish! He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am he's just not into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.
AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BEDShe's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available. LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUSLie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for giggles, but tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PISCES
Feb 20 - March 20Ruling Planet: NEPTUNEThe God in charge of delicious dreams, dangerous deceptions and sexual fantasies Sexually speaking, Pisces is putty in your hands. Anything you want, anything, is only a question away. If you're looking for someone who will go the extra mile to discover all your secret moan zones, then Pisces is for you!
When a typical Piscean makes out, it's an act of romance rather than pure pleasure. Pisces is the sign of love itself. They are so romantic and want satin sheets and candles, poetry and a full moon. Music also gets them in the mood.
One of their least appetizing traits is their ability to become very,very jealous. Sometimes they are so scared of losing the fairy-tale romance that they ruin the happy ending themselves.
FAVE POSITION Pisces is all about Oral affections!
BEST SEX TOYA copy of the Kama Sutra, since your fish is into almost anything
PISCES MALE IN BEDHe is romantic and has the reputation of being a womanizer. The girlfriend of a Piscean man should keep her eye on the ball as he can be a bit flighty.
But he does make an excellent lover. He's from the old school that sex should be an almost out of body experience, and if he's showering his attentions on you, you're in for a hell of a good ride!
PISCES FEMALE IN BEDShe needs romance. It's the very air that she breathes. She needs to be held gently and whispered sweet nothings to but when it comes to between the sheets action, she's never happy doing the same ol', same ol' when she knows there are more exciting options at hand.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON PISCESThe Pisces Zesty-zone is their feet! If you want to make Pisces your Love Slave, start with a warm, scented footbath and soak their feet for 10 minutes. Then sit in front of them, cross-legged, and rub their feet firmly through the water. Use kneading motions that run from their ankles to the tips of their toes. After 5 minutes, get a scrub brush and clean their tootsies with lots of TLC, dry them off and lightly massage peppermint oil all over their feet, paying close attention to between their toes. Pisces REALLY gets off on this! Once oiled up, gently kiss each toe, one by one. Then let your tongue take over and you're in baby!!!
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ARIES
March 21-April 20Ruling Planet: MARSThe bonk now/think later God of War, aggression and action! Sexually, Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The excitement is often in the chase more than the actual conquest though and while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not want a submissive partner. Routine brings boredom to sex for Aries, so if you're only comfortable with the missionary position, go for another sign, but if you like forceful personalities and enjoy pretending you're a human Twistie, then you've found paradise with an Aries.
FAVE POSITIONAlways on top and always in charge
BEST SEX TOYHandcuffs! Like I said, Aries likes to take charge!
ARIES MALE IN BEDThe Aries male is loud, domineering and 100% stud! He's from the bump n grind school of lovemaking so if you're looking for romantic dinners by candlelight and long walks on the beach, keep looking! He's the original 5-minute man so if you're turned on by ultra-macho grunt-and-groaning types, you've just found your ticket to heaven! He's not prone to cheat unless you bore him in bed and he likes sex fast and furious baby!
ARIES FEMALE IN BEDShe views sex as more of a physical act than something from a soppy romance novel. If you're a bored exec and want to find out what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat, then go for a one night stand with an Aries chick. She'll be gone before you wake up and may not remember your name the next time you meet. She's got a touch of KINK to her personality so don't get freaked out when she talks dirty or puts you over her knee for a spanking. She's all woman, but are you man enough to handle her?
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON ARIESIf you want to seduce an Aries, running your fingers through their hair is an awesome starting point! And licking and nibbling around their face or neck will get them going too! Just be careful to keep your saliva at bay. Drool is not cool!
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TAURUS
April 21 - May 21Ruling Planet: VENUSThe Goddess in charge of love, beauty and sex
Taureans are ahead of the game when it comes to love coz they are ruled by VENUS, the planet of Love! Taurus has all the qualities a lover desires, including sensuality, loyalty and faithfulness. When a typical Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in the world. They believe the romantic approach to sex almost always pays off so they will happily cook dinner, buy flowers, and light candles for someone they wanna bang. They don't like to rush things and take everything, including sex, slowly.
FAVE POSITIONThe one Taurus enjoys most is the Missionary. Some may say this is so unadventurous, but Taurus is very practical and this is the most comfortable.
BEST SEX TOYA battery powered "erotic massager"
TAURUS MALE IN BEDThe Taurean man needs a woman who will want to stay home to eat and make love. He can be stubborn and is known to sulk like a little boy, but he LOVES making up!! (Rrrrow!)
He likes to take things slow and gently and can last for hours, always waiting for HER to finish before rolling over to sleep.
TAURUS FEMALE IN BEDShe is great at back massages and sex in general. She makes an art of lovemaking. Just kissing her can bring some men to the big "O". Her touch is gentle and tender, it excites and caresses and when in the mood, she too can go for hours at a time, days on end.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON TAURUSThere's nothing Taurus enjoys more than having their neck kissed and their earlobes nibbled. Light, feathery caresses up and down the neck followed by gentle licks, no biting, will make a female writhe with delight and a male stand at attention within seconds.
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GEMINI
May 22 - June 21Ruling Planet: MERCURYThe swiftest God in the skies, who also happens to be in charge of ultr-extreme raunchy talk.
Talking about sex is Gemini's favourite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for.
They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway, serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.
FAVE POSITIONAs long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if they must choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can come up for air if they need to.
BEST SEX TOYAny illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up some wild, new ideas
GEMINI MALE IN BEDHe likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive. He’s a lights on, in front of the mirror kinda guy and if you make a few subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.
GEMINI FEMALE IN BEDShe is more interested in IQ than private parts. If she can't respect the intellect, then satisfaction is not possible for her. She may sleep around forever and never find her true love and she is not the most faithful of the signs. She likes sex on the run, in an airplane toilet, in the storeroom at work, in the backseat of a car�???
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON GEMINIFocus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're headed for the good books. They love a good massage and their hands are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with sends shivers up their spine!
Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles. If you get one or two yelps, then you know you're doing something right, then, move onto the fingers, slowly kiss, lick, nip and nibble each fingertip, then pull out the killer move - suck on each finger, slowly, as if it's a lollipop. I'll almost offer a money back guarantee on this one working!
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CANCER
June 22 - July 23Ruling Planet: THE MOONWhich isn't a planet at all but the satellite responsible for this water sign's many mood swings!
Love and sex go together for Cancer. They need to feel secure in love before they can relax in sex and Cancer often feels a little bit guilty after doing the deed because they usually associate sex with babies, especially the women, who either get pregnant at the drop of a hat or take longer than usual.
All Cancers WANT to be parents!Cancers become sexually excited when they feel secure. They are turned on by home cooked meals and partners who love kids. In so many ways, Cancer is the dream partner!
FAVE POSITIONAny position that's comfortable and involves Cancer lying flat on their back with all their sensitive areas exposed!
BEST SEX TOYA drink or joint that will relax the overly-cautious crab!
CANCER MALE IN BEDHe is a sensitive lover and will put his partner's needs before his own. He has a tenderness about him that drives women wild!
If the Cancer guy decides he's in it for the long haul, he'll do whatever it takes to keep his lover happy in and out of the bedroom. Oh, and he's a BREAST man!!
CANCER FEMALE IN BEDShe oozes sexiness and is born to mate!! Compliments and kissing will win her over, so as you're nibbling on her ear, whisper "you're so beautiful" to get her quivering. Perhaps the Vincent (Big Brother) growl would work on a Cancer woman?
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CANCERConcentrate on the breasts and pecs of Cancer to really get them going. Start by kissing and brushing up against them. Licking the Cancer female's nipple through her top will excite her, but don't 'dive right in' coz you're likely to scare her.
It's the complete opposite for the Cancer male who will LOVE it if you get straight to the point. Squeeze his pecs and bite his bod and you'll have him bouncing off the walls in no time!
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LEO
July 24 - August 23Ruling Planet: THE SUNWhich isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's opinion of themselves, it's the centre of our solar system!
Leos can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have, it's a show!
They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is theultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.
FAVE POSITIONReceiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!
BEST SEX TOYA camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or perhaps you can use them both together!
LEO MALE IN BEDYou are the King of the Jungle and expect to be treated that way! You are a good lover because you don't like to fail at anything. You are sexy and have an aura of sexiness that is difficult to deny. But, you will let anyone adore you, so your partner has to make the effort or you will pad off to your next Lioness!!
LEO FEMALE IN BEDYou are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex, so your partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a lifetime experience!
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LEOA Leo's 'moan zone' is his or her back. First of all, ask your Leo to roll onto his/her tummy. Start with a gentle scratch that runs from the top of the ass to the base of the skull. I'm not talking about tender tickles or a tantalizing tease - I mean a REAL back scratch, coz if there's one thing cat’s love, it's a scratch!
After a minute or so, get out the massage oil and spill it into asnakey pattern on Leo's back. Then rub all over. Keep doing this until you know Leo is ready to roll over. If they start falling asleep, give them a gentle prod in a delicate place! Once Leo is ready to roll over, don't let them! Leo will be excited by your control. YOU decide when it's time to 'flip your feline' over and get into the good stuff!
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VIRGO
August 24 - September 23Ruling Planet: MercuryThe God in charge of intellect and speed�???but don't worry because Virgo likes to take their time in the sack!!
Virgos have two sides to their personality. The Virgin and the Vixen. They may want you to THINK they are all sweet and virginal, but they are definitely NOT! However, Virgos are looking for a long term partner, not a one night stand or an affair! They tend to seduce with finesse, charm and subtlety so you may not even realize you're being lured by a Virgo!! Once Virgo has been in a relationship for awhile, they get engrossed in housework and things like that, which can cause a serious dip in libido. Do NOT let this happen! They are definitely more of a "can we cuddle instead" sign that a 'let's get it on!' one when committed.
FAVE POSITIONAlmost anything, as long as it involves eye contact!
BEST SEX TOYIt's more of a game. Write down five wild sex acts and put them in a bowl. Get Virgo to pick one out at random, and then do what you're told!! Virgo LOVES spontaneous sexuality!
VIRGO MALE IN BEDYou can be quite boring at times because you have set views on how a woman should be. You don't mean to criticize or offend, but your perfectionist ways may drive your lover loopy! You DO have some kinky ideas though, but it is difficult to get to the bottom of your passion! You are a creature of habit, so if your lover can get you into the habit of sleeping with her, who knows what might happen?
VIRGO FEMALE IN BEDYou are hardworking and careful about your appearance, but you really do fantasize about getting down and dirty! You are a secret romantic and crave the perfect lover. Since the perfect lover doesn't exist, you'll take what you can get! You are quite insecure and need a partner who will adore you. You have strong passion beneath that practical exterior and are just waiting for someone to unearth it!
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON VIRGOVirgo's have a VERY sexually sensitive tummy!! If you wanna make them putty in your hands, stroke, lick and kiss their stomach!! The area from the bellybutton DOWN! Once you have them squirming, you can have anything you want!! Just remember to keep one hand on their tummy at all times!!
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LIBRA
September 24 - October 23Ruling Planet: Venus -The planet in charge of beauty, love peace, and stirring sensuality
Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the zodiac, but if Libra can't getwhat they want from one lover, they will opt for two! They are notorious for having double standards in that situation too. They'll look you in the eye and say "never cheat on me, coz I would never do it to you", even when they have a hot night of passion planned with someone else! Librans are more turned on 'giving' than 'receiving'. They have a big heart and are the least selfish sign of the Zodiac.
Libras are not very open about their thoughts or fantasies. They'drather say nothing than tell the truth and offend or embarrass you. In bed, it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough to tell you exactly what they want.
FAVE POSITIONAs long as they are lying down, they're happy!
BEST SEX TOYK.Y. Jelly. I will say no more!
LIBRA MALE IN BEDThe Libra man sees sex as an exciting adventure and he'd be very keen to do it in kinky places like a restaurant toilet! He likes being a bad boy if there's a chance he might get caught. He'll try out any fantasy you have, but whether or not you can keep a tight hold on his heart remains to be seen. However, he can be a bit of a pushover, and is perfect husband material, and he'd prefer his lover to take the lead. He is romantic and considerate but may suffer from Premature Ejaculation!
LIBRA FEMALE IN BEDThe only thing that separates Libra men and women is what's between their legs! Libra girl wants a strong man who understands that she needs her individuality and freedom. She is turned off by burping, farting, and bad breath. Good personal hygiene is crucial if you want to get to 2nd base. Librans are very good at lying to get their own way. When your Libra girl groans in bed, look into her eyes to make sure she's not 'faking it'.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LIBRALibra's Love Zone is their lower back and butt, so please, squeeze and pat your Libra's butt whenever you get a chance. When you're kissing, reach under his or her top and stroke the lower part of their back, starting in the middle and working your way down to their butt. Take your time and be gentle! To really drive your Libra wild? Have you ever heard of the term 'Rimming'??? Does it surprise you that a high percentage of Libras are gay?
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SCORPIO
October 24 - November 22Ruling Planet: PLUTOThe Roman God of the dead, beginnings and endings. Which basically means that Scorpios add novel differences to any relationship.
Scorpios are very possessive. They will tense up if you even LOOK at another hottie across the room. But they can be relied on to always be there for you if you need them. You may never really know what your Scorpio is thinking though, because to them, Knowledge is power and they are very good at putting on a straight face to cover up any emotion they are feeling. Scorpios love sex. The dirtier, the better. Get them excited by revealing your filthiest fantasy and offering to act it out.
FAVE POSITION:Anything, as long as it involves dominating your ass.
BEST SEX TOY:Ben Wah Balls for the girls, and a Riding Crop for the boys
SCORPIO MALE IN BEDHis sexuality is so strong, it will make you dizzy!! If you are lucky enough to be with a Scorpio boy, you will always be satisfied!! There's a rumour that the Scorpio man is the most skilled in bed. It's as true as a black man has a giant wang!!! Most are pretty good!! The only thing you don't wanna do is piss him off. Every little thing u do that he doesn't like, he will file away in his little mental rolodex. Piss him off one too many times, and he will wreak his revenge!!!
SCORPIO FEMALE IN BEDShe may look like a quiet, shy girl, but in bed she is NOT! She is a wildly passionate woman, who is DYNAMO is the bedroom. Just don't piss her off either, coz she can more vengeful than a Scorpio man, and she has no problem causing a scene! Don't talk about other women, or play hard to get, because she will get u back, and it's a game of one-upmanship you will never win.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SCORPIOSince this is one of the horniest signs, it makes sense that their moan zone is between their legs! Then again, their big head (or their mind) is just as easy to turn on. Talking dirty and teasing your Scorpio will get them ready and randy in a flash!! Without getting too graphic, the magic words for today are RUB, RUB, RUB.
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SAGITTARIUS
November 23 - December 22Ruling Planet: JUPITERGod of money, luck and good times between the sheets. Sagos are playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They arewild, and may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! One thing to be wary of is that Sagos like to talk BULLSHIT!
Don't believe everything they tell you because they are kings at 'talking it up'. Sagos probably make better friends than lovers, but if you happen to score a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you've NEVER done before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public.
When they find the right lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.
FAVE POSITION:They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.
BEST SEX TOY:Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow. You'll be surprised at what happens next!
SAGITTARIAN MALE IN BEDEven if he's fat, balding and middle aged, he can still pull the chicks. It's his love and pursuit of happiness that draws the babes to him. Think "Austin Powers" baby, yeah! He is a wee bit selfish though, so be prepared for an "all about me" attitude in the sack. He LOVES doing it, and if you start holding out on him, he's likely to get it somewhere else. He will either amaze his partner with his sexual expertise or be absolute trash in bed!
SAGITTARIAN FEMALE IN BEDThe Sago woman is a handful! She changes her mind more often than she shaves her armpits, is blunt, oversensitive and takes offense at the strangest things. She's adventurous in the bedroom and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled. But can u handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her emotions from you, but don't make the mistake of hiding yours from her. She's looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SAGITTARIUSHips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in between! Don't be afraid to ask your Sago if you're doing it right coz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is to grope their inner thigh in a public place!
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CAPRICORN
December 23 - January 20Ruling Planet: SATURN -The God who oversees time, discipline and dedication, which means Capricorn can go the distance - with major staying power - in bed and beyond!!
Capricorns are very good at hiding their emotions, so it's often hard to tell when they are truly, deeply in love. If you have a load of cash, you can almost bet on admiration from a Capricorn because the goat is turned on by money. Like I said before, Capricorn has great sexual stamina and the ability to go all night if they want to!
FAVE POSITION:Spooning! Goat boys and girls love to take, or be taken from behind.
BEST SEX TOY: An office desk to "bond" on, or an erotic video will loosen up the randy goat.
CAPRICORN MALE IN BEDImagination isn't a strong suit for Capricorn so don't expect acrobatics in the sack. Sex with him could possibly be as boring as watching paint dry and he tends to be a little bit selfish in that area too. BUT you can definitely count on him to be faithful if he has committed to you.
CAPRICORN FEMALE IN BEDShe is strong and confident and likes to run the show! She's a tough nut to crack but once inside her shell, she's as sweet as caramel. Her fave position may be missionary, but she seeks excitement in new locations, so experiment with different venues to keep it interesting.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CAPRICORNCapricorns are the most anal signs of the zodiac, so buttering them up will take a bit of effort. Believe it or not, their erotic area is the knees! Lightly stroke their legs, paying close attention to the knee region. Licking, kissing, and nibbling the area will get them squirming.
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 - Feb 19Ruling Planet: URANUS.The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns. Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship; it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on.
They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs. Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot!
Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.
FAVE POSITIONMutual masturbation.
BEST SEX TOYA Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.
AQUARIUS MALE IN BEDHe has amazing staying power in the sack. He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish! He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am he's just not into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.
AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BEDShe's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available. LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUSLie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for giggles, but tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!
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Feb 20 - March 20Ruling Planet: NEPTUNEThe God in charge of delicious dreams, dangerous deceptions and sexual fantasies Sexually speaking, Pisces is putty in your hands. Anything you want, anything, is only a question away. If you're looking for someone who will go the extra mile to discover all your secret moan zones, then Pisces is for you!
When a typical Piscean makes out, it's an act of romance rather than pure pleasure. Pisces is the sign of love itself. They are so romantic and want satin sheets and candles, poetry and a full moon. Music also gets them in the mood.
One of their least appetizing traits is their ability to become very,very jealous. Sometimes they are so scared of losing the fairy-tale romance that they ruin the happy ending themselves.
FAVE POSITION Pisces is all about Oral affections!
BEST SEX TOYA copy of the Kama Sutra, since your fish is into almost anything
PISCES MALE IN BEDHe is romantic and has the reputation of being a womanizer. The girlfriend of a Piscean man should keep her eye on the ball as he can be a bit flighty.
But he does make an excellent lover. He's from the old school that sex should be an almost out of body experience, and if he's showering his attentions on you, you're in for a hell of a good ride!
PISCES FEMALE IN BEDShe needs romance. It's the very air that she breathes. She needs to be held gently and whispered sweet nothings to but when it comes to between the sheets action, she's never happy doing the same ol', same ol' when she knows there are more exciting options at hand.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON PISCESThe Pisces Zesty-zone is their feet! If you want to make Pisces your Love Slave, start with a warm, scented footbath and soak their feet for 10 minutes. Then sit in front of them, cross-legged, and rub their feet firmly through the water. Use kneading motions that run from their ankles to the tips of their toes. After 5 minutes, get a scrub brush and clean their tootsies with lots of TLC, dry them off and lightly massage peppermint oil all over their feet, paying close attention to between their toes. Pisces REALLY gets off on this! Once oiled up, gently kiss each toe, one by one. Then let your tongue take over and you're in baby!!!
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ARIES
March 21-April 20Ruling Planet: MARSThe bonk now/think later God of War, aggression and action! Sexually, Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The excitement is often in the chase more than the actual conquest though and while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not want a submissive partner. Routine brings boredom to sex for Aries, so if you're only comfortable with the missionary position, go for another sign, but if you like forceful personalities and enjoy pretending you're a human Twistie, then you've found paradise with an Aries.
FAVE POSITIONAlways on top and always in charge
BEST SEX TOYHandcuffs! Like I said, Aries likes to take charge!
ARIES MALE IN BEDThe Aries male is loud, domineering and 100% stud! He's from the bump n grind school of lovemaking so if you're looking for romantic dinners by candlelight and long walks on the beach, keep looking! He's the original 5-minute man so if you're turned on by ultra-macho grunt-and-groaning types, you've just found your ticket to heaven! He's not prone to cheat unless you bore him in bed and he likes sex fast and furious baby!
ARIES FEMALE IN BEDShe views sex as more of a physical act than something from a soppy romance novel. If you're a bored exec and want to find out what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat, then go for a one night stand with an Aries chick. She'll be gone before you wake up and may not remember your name the next time you meet. She's got a touch of KINK to her personality so don't get freaked out when she talks dirty or puts you over her knee for a spanking. She's all woman, but are you man enough to handle her?
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON ARIESIf you want to seduce an Aries, running your fingers through their hair is an awesome starting point! And licking and nibbling around their face or neck will get them going too! Just be careful to keep your saliva at bay. Drool is not cool!
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TAURUS
April 21 - May 21Ruling Planet: VENUSThe Goddess in charge of love, beauty and sex
Taureans are ahead of the game when it comes to love coz they are ruled by VENUS, the planet of Love! Taurus has all the qualities a lover desires, including sensuality, loyalty and faithfulness. When a typical Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in the world. They believe the romantic approach to sex almost always pays off so they will happily cook dinner, buy flowers, and light candles for someone they wanna bang. They don't like to rush things and take everything, including sex, slowly.
FAVE POSITIONThe one Taurus enjoys most is the Missionary. Some may say this is so unadventurous, but Taurus is very practical and this is the most comfortable.
BEST SEX TOYA battery powered "erotic massager"
TAURUS MALE IN BEDThe Taurean man needs a woman who will want to stay home to eat and make love. He can be stubborn and is known to sulk like a little boy, but he LOVES making up!! (Rrrrow!)
He likes to take things slow and gently and can last for hours, always waiting for HER to finish before rolling over to sleep.
TAURUS FEMALE IN BEDShe is great at back massages and sex in general. She makes an art of lovemaking. Just kissing her can bring some men to the big "O". Her touch is gentle and tender, it excites and caresses and when in the mood, she too can go for hours at a time, days on end.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON TAURUSThere's nothing Taurus enjoys more than having their neck kissed and their earlobes nibbled. Light, feathery caresses up and down the neck followed by gentle licks, no biting, will make a female writhe with delight and a male stand at attention within seconds.
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GEMINI
May 22 - June 21Ruling Planet: MERCURYThe swiftest God in the skies, who also happens to be in charge of ultr-extreme raunchy talk.
Talking about sex is Gemini's favourite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for.
They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway, serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.
FAVE POSITIONAs long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if they must choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can come up for air if they need to.
BEST SEX TOYAny illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up some wild, new ideas
GEMINI MALE IN BEDHe likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive. He’s a lights on, in front of the mirror kinda guy and if you make a few subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.
GEMINI FEMALE IN BEDShe is more interested in IQ than private parts. If she can't respect the intellect, then satisfaction is not possible for her. She may sleep around forever and never find her true love and she is not the most faithful of the signs. She likes sex on the run, in an airplane toilet, in the storeroom at work, in the backseat of a car�???
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON GEMINIFocus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're headed for the good books. They love a good massage and their hands are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with sends shivers up their spine!
Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles. If you get one or two yelps, then you know you're doing something right, then, move onto the fingers, slowly kiss, lick, nip and nibble each fingertip, then pull out the killer move - suck on each finger, slowly, as if it's a lollipop. I'll almost offer a money back guarantee on this one working!
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CANCER
June 22 - July 23Ruling Planet: THE MOONWhich isn't a planet at all but the satellite responsible for this water sign's many mood swings!
Love and sex go together for Cancer. They need to feel secure in love before they can relax in sex and Cancer often feels a little bit guilty after doing the deed because they usually associate sex with babies, especially the women, who either get pregnant at the drop of a hat or take longer than usual.
All Cancers WANT to be parents!Cancers become sexually excited when they feel secure. They are turned on by home cooked meals and partners who love kids. In so many ways, Cancer is the dream partner!
FAVE POSITIONAny position that's comfortable and involves Cancer lying flat on their back with all their sensitive areas exposed!
BEST SEX TOYA drink or joint that will relax the overly-cautious crab!
CANCER MALE IN BEDHe is a sensitive lover and will put his partner's needs before his own. He has a tenderness about him that drives women wild!
If the Cancer guy decides he's in it for the long haul, he'll do whatever it takes to keep his lover happy in and out of the bedroom. Oh, and he's a BREAST man!!
CANCER FEMALE IN BEDShe oozes sexiness and is born to mate!! Compliments and kissing will win her over, so as you're nibbling on her ear, whisper "you're so beautiful" to get her quivering. Perhaps the Vincent (Big Brother) growl would work on a Cancer woman?
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CANCERConcentrate on the breasts and pecs of Cancer to really get them going. Start by kissing and brushing up against them. Licking the Cancer female's nipple through her top will excite her, but don't 'dive right in' coz you're likely to scare her.
It's the complete opposite for the Cancer male who will LOVE it if you get straight to the point. Squeeze his pecs and bite his bod and you'll have him bouncing off the walls in no time!
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LEO
July 24 - August 23Ruling Planet: THE SUNWhich isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's opinion of themselves, it's the centre of our solar system!
Leos can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have, it's a show!
They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is theultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.
FAVE POSITIONReceiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!
BEST SEX TOYA camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or perhaps you can use them both together!
LEO MALE IN BEDYou are the King of the Jungle and expect to be treated that way! You are a good lover because you don't like to fail at anything. You are sexy and have an aura of sexiness that is difficult to deny. But, you will let anyone adore you, so your partner has to make the effort or you will pad off to your next Lioness!!
LEO FEMALE IN BEDYou are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex, so your partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a lifetime experience!
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LEOA Leo's 'moan zone' is his or her back. First of all, ask your Leo to roll onto his/her tummy. Start with a gentle scratch that runs from the top of the ass to the base of the skull. I'm not talking about tender tickles or a tantalizing tease - I mean a REAL back scratch, coz if there's one thing cat’s love, it's a scratch!
After a minute or so, get out the massage oil and spill it into asnakey pattern on Leo's back. Then rub all over. Keep doing this until you know Leo is ready to roll over. If they start falling asleep, give them a gentle prod in a delicate place! Once Leo is ready to roll over, don't let them! Leo will be excited by your control. YOU decide when it's time to 'flip your feline' over and get into the good stuff!
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VIRGO
August 24 - September 23Ruling Planet: MercuryThe God in charge of intellect and speed�???but don't worry because Virgo likes to take their time in the sack!!
Virgos have two sides to their personality. The Virgin and the Vixen. They may want you to THINK they are all sweet and virginal, but they are definitely NOT! However, Virgos are looking for a long term partner, not a one night stand or an affair! They tend to seduce with finesse, charm and subtlety so you may not even realize you're being lured by a Virgo!! Once Virgo has been in a relationship for awhile, they get engrossed in housework and things like that, which can cause a serious dip in libido. Do NOT let this happen! They are definitely more of a "can we cuddle instead" sign that a 'let's get it on!' one when committed.
FAVE POSITIONAlmost anything, as long as it involves eye contact!
BEST SEX TOYIt's more of a game. Write down five wild sex acts and put them in a bowl. Get Virgo to pick one out at random, and then do what you're told!! Virgo LOVES spontaneous sexuality!
VIRGO MALE IN BEDYou can be quite boring at times because you have set views on how a woman should be. You don't mean to criticize or offend, but your perfectionist ways may drive your lover loopy! You DO have some kinky ideas though, but it is difficult to get to the bottom of your passion! You are a creature of habit, so if your lover can get you into the habit of sleeping with her, who knows what might happen?
VIRGO FEMALE IN BEDYou are hardworking and careful about your appearance, but you really do fantasize about getting down and dirty! You are a secret romantic and crave the perfect lover. Since the perfect lover doesn't exist, you'll take what you can get! You are quite insecure and need a partner who will adore you. You have strong passion beneath that practical exterior and are just waiting for someone to unearth it!
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON VIRGOVirgo's have a VERY sexually sensitive tummy!! If you wanna make them putty in your hands, stroke, lick and kiss their stomach!! The area from the bellybutton DOWN! Once you have them squirming, you can have anything you want!! Just remember to keep one hand on their tummy at all times!!
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LIBRA
September 24 - October 23Ruling Planet: Venus -The planet in charge of beauty, love peace, and stirring sensuality
Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the zodiac, but if Libra can't getwhat they want from one lover, they will opt for two! They are notorious for having double standards in that situation too. They'll look you in the eye and say "never cheat on me, coz I would never do it to you", even when they have a hot night of passion planned with someone else! Librans are more turned on 'giving' than 'receiving'. They have a big heart and are the least selfish sign of the Zodiac.
Libras are not very open about their thoughts or fantasies. They'drather say nothing than tell the truth and offend or embarrass you. In bed, it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough to tell you exactly what they want.
FAVE POSITIONAs long as they are lying down, they're happy!
BEST SEX TOYK.Y. Jelly. I will say no more!
LIBRA MALE IN BEDThe Libra man sees sex as an exciting adventure and he'd be very keen to do it in kinky places like a restaurant toilet! He likes being a bad boy if there's a chance he might get caught. He'll try out any fantasy you have, but whether or not you can keep a tight hold on his heart remains to be seen. However, he can be a bit of a pushover, and is perfect husband material, and he'd prefer his lover to take the lead. He is romantic and considerate but may suffer from Premature Ejaculation!
LIBRA FEMALE IN BEDThe only thing that separates Libra men and women is what's between their legs! Libra girl wants a strong man who understands that she needs her individuality and freedom. She is turned off by burping, farting, and bad breath. Good personal hygiene is crucial if you want to get to 2nd base. Librans are very good at lying to get their own way. When your Libra girl groans in bed, look into her eyes to make sure she's not 'faking it'.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LIBRALibra's Love Zone is their lower back and butt, so please, squeeze and pat your Libra's butt whenever you get a chance. When you're kissing, reach under his or her top and stroke the lower part of their back, starting in the middle and working your way down to their butt. Take your time and be gentle! To really drive your Libra wild? Have you ever heard of the term 'Rimming'??? Does it surprise you that a high percentage of Libras are gay?
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SCORPIO
October 24 - November 22Ruling Planet: PLUTOThe Roman God of the dead, beginnings and endings. Which basically means that Scorpios add novel differences to any relationship.
Scorpios are very possessive. They will tense up if you even LOOK at another hottie across the room. But they can be relied on to always be there for you if you need them. You may never really know what your Scorpio is thinking though, because to them, Knowledge is power and they are very good at putting on a straight face to cover up any emotion they are feeling. Scorpios love sex. The dirtier, the better. Get them excited by revealing your filthiest fantasy and offering to act it out.
FAVE POSITION:Anything, as long as it involves dominating your ass.
BEST SEX TOY:Ben Wah Balls for the girls, and a Riding Crop for the boys
SCORPIO MALE IN BEDHis sexuality is so strong, it will make you dizzy!! If you are lucky enough to be with a Scorpio boy, you will always be satisfied!! There's a rumour that the Scorpio man is the most skilled in bed. It's as true as a black man has a giant wang!!! Most are pretty good!! The only thing you don't wanna do is piss him off. Every little thing u do that he doesn't like, he will file away in his little mental rolodex. Piss him off one too many times, and he will wreak his revenge!!!
SCORPIO FEMALE IN BEDShe may look like a quiet, shy girl, but in bed she is NOT! She is a wildly passionate woman, who is DYNAMO is the bedroom. Just don't piss her off either, coz she can more vengeful than a Scorpio man, and she has no problem causing a scene! Don't talk about other women, or play hard to get, because she will get u back, and it's a game of one-upmanship you will never win.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SCORPIOSince this is one of the horniest signs, it makes sense that their moan zone is between their legs! Then again, their big head (or their mind) is just as easy to turn on. Talking dirty and teasing your Scorpio will get them ready and randy in a flash!! Without getting too graphic, the magic words for today are RUB, RUB, RUB.
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SAGITTARIUS
November 23 - December 22Ruling Planet: JUPITERGod of money, luck and good times between the sheets. Sagos are playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They arewild, and may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! One thing to be wary of is that Sagos like to talk BULLSHIT!
Don't believe everything they tell you because they are kings at 'talking it up'. Sagos probably make better friends than lovers, but if you happen to score a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you've NEVER done before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public.
When they find the right lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.
FAVE POSITION:They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.
BEST SEX TOY:Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow. You'll be surprised at what happens next!
SAGITTARIAN MALE IN BEDEven if he's fat, balding and middle aged, he can still pull the chicks. It's his love and pursuit of happiness that draws the babes to him. Think "Austin Powers" baby, yeah! He is a wee bit selfish though, so be prepared for an "all about me" attitude in the sack. He LOVES doing it, and if you start holding out on him, he's likely to get it somewhere else. He will either amaze his partner with his sexual expertise or be absolute trash in bed!
SAGITTARIAN FEMALE IN BEDThe Sago woman is a handful! She changes her mind more often than she shaves her armpits, is blunt, oversensitive and takes offense at the strangest things. She's adventurous in the bedroom and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled. But can u handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her emotions from you, but don't make the mistake of hiding yours from her. She's looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SAGITTARIUSHips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in between! Don't be afraid to ask your Sago if you're doing it right coz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is to grope their inner thigh in a public place!
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CAPRICORN
December 23 - January 20Ruling Planet: SATURN -The God who oversees time, discipline and dedication, which means Capricorn can go the distance - with major staying power - in bed and beyond!!
Capricorns are very good at hiding their emotions, so it's often hard to tell when they are truly, deeply in love. If you have a load of cash, you can almost bet on admiration from a Capricorn because the goat is turned on by money. Like I said before, Capricorn has great sexual stamina and the ability to go all night if they want to!
FAVE POSITION:Spooning! Goat boys and girls love to take, or be taken from behind.
BEST SEX TOY: An office desk to "bond" on, or an erotic video will loosen up the randy goat.
CAPRICORN MALE IN BEDImagination isn't a strong suit for Capricorn so don't expect acrobatics in the sack. Sex with him could possibly be as boring as watching paint dry and he tends to be a little bit selfish in that area too. BUT you can definitely count on him to be faithful if he has committed to you.
CAPRICORN FEMALE IN BEDShe is strong and confident and likes to run the show! She's a tough nut to crack but once inside her shell, she's as sweet as caramel. Her fave position may be missionary, but she seeks excitement in new locations, so experiment with different venues to keep it interesting.
THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CAPRICORNCapricorns are the most anal signs of the zodiac, so buttering them up will take a bit of effort. Believe it or not, their erotic area is the knees! Lightly stroke their legs, paying close attention to the knee region. Licking, kissing, and nibbling the area will get them squirming.
court transcripts
Law CourtTranscripts - THESE ARE ACTUAL TRANSSCRIPTS !!!!! -
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you'veforgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he Woke upthat morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo orthe occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicinglaw somewhere
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you'veforgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he Woke upthat morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo orthe occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicinglaw somewhere
He Said/She Said He said . ..
I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?
He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.
Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them.
Q.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.
Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them.
Q.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
are you a bitch?
Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'"She replies: "I'm a W.I.FE., you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, "B.I.T.C.H."
What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE . and say "Thank You!!"
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'"She replies: "I'm a W.I.FE., you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, "B.I.T.C.H."
What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE . and say "Thank You!!"
pilots
The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
the truth!
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
friday funnies 16/02/06
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
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"On a quail hunting trip in Texas, Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact when people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92 percent!"
--Jay Leno
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From Sophie
Irish Smiles
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"
He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their se’xual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your se ‘x life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?" - Martha Raye
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From Lefty
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me. That I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, The car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
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"A good listener is usually thinking about something else."
---Kin Hubbard
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"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?
Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent.
It's called New Car Interior." -Rita Rudner
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From Janine
A man went to court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.So the police clerk issued a receipt for payment of fine. The bloke, annoyed at his defeat in the court, asked her curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, sir!"
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Sounds like it could be from the RD..
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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From Janine
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
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An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all released prisoners.
Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have s’ex with him.
He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail.
Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.
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From Janine
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was. "Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule.
If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
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"On a quail hunting trip in Texas, Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact when people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92 percent!"
--Jay Leno
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From Sophie
Irish Smiles
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"
He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their se’xual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your se ‘x life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?" - Martha Raye
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From Lefty
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me. That I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, The car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp
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"A good listener is usually thinking about something else."
---Kin Hubbard
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"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?
Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent.
It's called New Car Interior." -Rita Rudner
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From Janine
A man went to court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.So the police clerk issued a receipt for payment of fine. The bloke, annoyed at his defeat in the court, asked her curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, sir!"
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Sounds like it could be from the RD..
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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From Janine
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
------------------------------------------------------------
An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all released prisoners.
Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have s’ex with him.
He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail.
Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.
------------------------------------------------------------
From Janine
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was. "Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule.
If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
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