email funnies

dramatic cat

2010-04-13T07:03:00.001+10:00

stalking cat

2010-04-13T07:02:00.001+10:00

cat riding on robot vacuum :P

2010-01-10T11:01:00.000+11:00

Mum's in group therapy !!!!!

2009-12-13T10:22:00.001+11:00

Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy
up from school and go home.

THE LOVING HUSBAND

2009-12-13T10:20:00.001+11:00

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

3 words

2009-12-13T09:50:00.003+11:00

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes
that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £10.00...

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed £10 from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

Fwd: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU

2009-12-13T09:50:00.001+11:00

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side
service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late.. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were
eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing
to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd
never played before..... from Going Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

The Rabbi is leaving...

2009-12-13T09:48:00.001+11:00

At the regular Saturday morning service the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him".

Son in Law

2009-12-13T09:47:00.001+11:00

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

Two Nuns

2009-12-13T09:43:00.000+11:00

.Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door .
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"The Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits.." says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

8 words with 2 meanings

2009-12-13T09:33:00.001+11:00

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Glimmer of hope

2009-12-13T08:58:00.000+11:00

'Viagra' is now available in powder form
for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

Smile for today

2009-11-04T12:55:00.001+11:00

>>>
>>>
>>> Wonderful English from Around the World
>>>
>>> In a Bangkok temple:
>>> IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS
>>> A MAN.
>>>
>>> Cocktail lounge , Norway :
>>> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>>>
>>> Doctors office, Rome :
>>> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>>>
>>> Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
>>> DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
>>>
>>> In a Nairobi restaurant:
>>> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>>>
>>> On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
>>> TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>>>
>>> On a poster at Kencom:
>>> ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
>>>
>>> In a City restaurant:
>>> OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
>>>
>>> In a cemetery:
>>> PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
>>> GRAVES .
>>>
>>> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
>>> GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
>>> BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
>>>
>>> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
>>> OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>>>
>>> In a Tokyo bar:
>>> SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
>>>
>>> Hotel , Yugoslavia :
>>> THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
>>> CHAMBERMAID.
>>>
>>> Hotel , Japan :
>>> YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>>>
>>> In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>>> monastery:
>>> YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
>>> SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
>>> THURSDAY.
>>>
>>> A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
>>> IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
>>> PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
>>> TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR
>>> THIS PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> Hotel, Zurich :
>>> BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
>>> SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
>>> THIS PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
>>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
>>>
>>> Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
>>> WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>>>
>>> A laundry in Rome :
>>> LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
>>> GOOD TIME.
>>> ====
>>>
>>
>

Weddings..

2009-11-04T12:50:00.001+11:00

>
> When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
> It seemed that all of my aunts and
> The grandmotherly types used to come up
> To me, poke me in the ribs and
> Cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'..
> They stopped that shit after I
> Started doing the same thing to them at
> Funerals.

FUNNY

2009-11-04T11:04:00.001+11:00

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow airport for New York and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo, she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Irishman

2009-11-04T11:01:00.001+11:00

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way  then?.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off... He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Lie Detector

2009-11-04T10:54:00.001+11:00

>
> John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
> gimmick.
>
> His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
>
>
> One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
> was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
>
> It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
> returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.
>
> 'Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?'
> asked John.
>
> 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
> project,' said Tommy.
>
> The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
> him completely out of his chair.
>
> 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector. Now, tell us where
> you really were after school.'
>
> 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.
>
> 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
>
> 'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.
>
> The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
> him off his chair once more.
>
> With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
> I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
>
> 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
> lied to my parents.'
>
> The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
> nearly knocked him out of his chair.
>
> Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
> you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
> all, he is your son!'
>
> With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
> her clean out of her chair.
>

45 life lessons

2009-11-04T10:53:00.001+11:00

>
>
> Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,
> Cleveland , Ohio
>
> "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught
> me..
>
> It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
>
> My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
> more:
>
> 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
>
> 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
>
> 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
>
> 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
> and parents will. Stay in touch.
>
> 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
>
> 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
>
> 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
>
> 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
>
> 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
>
> 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
>
> 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
>
> 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
>
> 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
> journey is all about.
>
> 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
>
> 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
> God never blinks.
>
> 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
>
> 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
>
> 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
>
> 19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second
> one is up to you and no one else.
>
> 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take
> no for an answer.
>
> 21.. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
> Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
>
> 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
>
> 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
>
> 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
>
> 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
>
> 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,
> will this matter?'
>
> 27. Always choose life.
>
> 28. Forgive everyone, everything.
>
> 29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
>
> 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
>
> 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
>
> 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
>
> 33. Believe in miracles.
>
> 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
> did or didn't do.
>
> 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
>
> 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
>
> 37. Your children get only one childhood.
>
> 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved..
>
> 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
>
> 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
> we'd grab ours back.
>
> 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
>
> 42. The best is yet to come.
>
> 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
>
> 44. Yield.
>
> 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
>
> Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who
> will, forward this with the title '7%'.
>
> I'm in the 7%.
>
> Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
>
> Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
>
>

Fun History Lesson!

2009-11-04T10:52:00.001+11:00

>
>
> A Fun History Lesson
>
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all
> pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the
> tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even
> afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in"
> and were the lowest of the low.
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
> water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
> used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
>
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
> in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since
> they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of
> flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
> bouquet when getting married.
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
> house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
> sons and men, then the women and finally the children.. Last of all
> the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
> someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
> Bath water!"
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
> the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
> When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
> slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and
> dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
> posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
> could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
> sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
> beds came into existence..
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
> Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that
> would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
> (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
> they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all
> start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-
> way. Hence: a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
> always hung over the fire Every day they lit the fire and added
> things to the pot.. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
> meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
> pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
> Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
> Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
> porridge in the pot nine days old.
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
> special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
> show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the
> bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
> all sit around and chew the fat.
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
> poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
> next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
> of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
> the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
> walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
> burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
> and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and
> see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
> the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
> coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
> inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
> would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
> have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
> listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or
> was considered a dead ringer...
>
> And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
>
> So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these facts
> with a friend like I just did! ! !

The Moral Of The Story

2009-11-04T10:50:00.001+11:00

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Claire. Aunty Claire was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay way from Aunty Claire when she's been drinking.'

mermaid or a whale

2009-10-02T20:21:00.001+10:00

Recently, in a large city in France, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside t he offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am.¨

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

2009-09-29T18:40:00.000+10:00

>
>
>
> THE HORTH WHITHPERER
>
> If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!(I did!)
>
> A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
> friend over to look at a horse.
>
> His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
>
> 'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
>
> So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
> male or female horse.
>
> 'A female horth.'
>
> So he shows him a prized filly.
>
> 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
>
> So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once
> over.
>
> 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
>
> So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
>
> 'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
>
> The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
> him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
>
> 'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
>
> Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
> rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams
> him on the ground.
>
> The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
>
> 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a
> widdlebit?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> <
>

SPOILED "UNDER 30" CROWD

2009-09-29T18:37:00.001+10:00

>
> most, if not all of you will relate to this...
>
> THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
> diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up;
> what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....
> Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
>
>
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no
> way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids
> about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
>
> But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help
> but look around and notice the youth of today.
>
> You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in
> a damn Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good
> you've got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted
> to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up
> ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
>
> There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -
> with a pen!
>
> Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
> mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10
> cents!
>
>
> Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
> matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to
> kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
>
> There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you
> had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
>
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the
> DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There
> were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our
> favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come
> undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
>
> We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
> phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
>
> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
> When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your
> school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a
> collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and
> take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-
> resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
> 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
> actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple
> levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and
> harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
>
> You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
> on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
> off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO
> REMOTES!!!
>
> There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
> on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait
> ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
>
> And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we
> had to use the stove! Imagine that!
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
> too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes
> back in 1980 or before!
>
> Regards,
> The Over 30 Crowd
>
> (Send this to someone you'd like to make smile, Whether they are
> under 30 or not.)
>

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

2009-09-12T09:00:00.001+10:00

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

  The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"well ... go ahead then."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said ...."Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

Fw: Celltone

2009-08-02T20:26:00.000+10:00

Fw: OMG!!! Its really really a bad one, see alone

2009-08-02T20:23:00.000+10:00

oh dear... not really one for the kids...

Fw: Fwd: Some motivational posters to brighten up your day....

2009-08-02T20:17:00.000+10:00

______________________________________________________________________

Motivationals

2009-08-02T20:13:00.001+10:00

more motivations

2009-08-02T20:13:00.000+10:00

Inspirational Thoughts for the Day

2009-07-26T15:40:00.002+10:00

1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they
most enjoyed about a blow job.

99.9% of them said, 'the 10 minutes of silence'!

2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
    They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not
swell
    and there is no wedding bell.
3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart:

    Cause men see better than they think.

4. Woman's Quote of the Day:
      Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and
    it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with
    which you'd like to have dinner with.
      Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
      Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn
    full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a
headache.

5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:

    a HEART to love him,
   a DIAMOND to marry him,
    a CLUB to smash his head in, and
    a SPADE to bury him!

6. What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
    He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where
most other people find
    pleasure!

7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?

Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless
later.

8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!

9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.

10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over…
but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!

11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after
knocking back a few drinks, he
     goes over to the new guy and asks him:

     So... how do you like using second hand stuff? The new husband replied:
It isn't that bad. Past the
     first three inches, its all brand new.

12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said,
'What the hell do I want with a
        rocket?'

       She said, 'You wanted space… now fly off!'
13. It's funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning
I awoke to see my wife
        standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and
holding several pieces of velvet rope.
     Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her
up and went to play golf.

Lateral Thinking

2009-07-26T15:40:00.001+10:00

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking.
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

Think like a wizard . . ....

man
Q1. ---------
board

Ans. = man overboard

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.

stand
Q2. ------------
i

Ans. = I understand

OK . .

Got the drift ?

Let's try a few now and see

how you fare ?

Q3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

Ans. = reading between the lines

Q4.... r
road
         a
     d

Ans. = cross road

Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.

Q5. cycle
cycle
cycle

Ans. = tricycle

Not easy to figure out hey!

0
Q6. ---------
M.D.
Ph.D.

Ans. = two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought! !

knee
Q7. ------------
light

Ans. = neon light

U can prove u r smart by getting this one.

ground
Q8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet

Ans. = six feet underground

Oh no, not again ! !

Q9. he's X himself

Ans. = he's by himself

Now u messing up big time.

Q10. ecnalg

Ans. = backward glance

Not even close! !

Q11. death ........ life

Ans. = life after death

Okay last chance .....................

Q12. THINK

Ans. = think big ! !

And the last one is real fundoo - - -

Q13.

ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb...

Ans. = long time no 'C'

top ten things that sound dirty, but aren't...

2009-07-24T09:01:00.001+10:00

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

*******

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

*******

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

Mad mad world.. Good start to ur Week ahead

2009-07-23T20:45:00.001+10:00

Proof That the World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense..!!!!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed...???)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick..???)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?) - Tourism Queensland - take note - your's is
the second best job in the world!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!!!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of??? Did the government pay for this
research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geeze....)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)

Fw: Thinking

2009-07-23T20:44:00.000+10:00

What went through your mind when you first saw the pics?

Gone Fishing!!!!!

2009-07-22T17:51:00.002+10:00

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy,
how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says
Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears
off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the
love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Gordon the Rooster.

2009-07-22T17:51:00.001+10:00

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to
fertilize the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup
pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different
tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was
too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gorden's bell hadn't rung
at all!

Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and
Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

kitty pics

2009-07-20T14:11:00.000+10:00

Court date

2009-07-19T17:46:00.000+10:00

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just lay down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

Fw: The Unexplained

2009-07-19T17:40:00.000+10:00

Bathtub Test

2009-07-19T17:26:00.001+10:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

The middle wife - by a second Gr kid!

2009-07-19T17:26:00.000+10:00

The 'Middle Wife'
by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh,
Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical
duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside
there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in
there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm
sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

40th wedding anniversary

2009-06-05T19:47:00.001+10:00

40th wedding anniversary. This is priceless!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love , but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b ** tards should remember
fairies are female.....

SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .... AND TO ANY
MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT
---

FW: Smile

2009-06-05T19:47:00.000+10:00

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

I WAS DEEPLY OFFENDED...

2009-06-02T17:37:00.000+10:00

Ever wonder what a muslim's pussy looks like...?

Ginger motivationals

2009-06-02T07:21:00.000+10:00

The little Iranian girl...God Love her!!!!

2009-06-01T04:44:00.002+10:00

An American man was seated next to a little Iranian girl on the airplane,
when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger'. The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger:
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the American.
'Since you are Iranian, how about nuclear power?'
And he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first'.

'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The American, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.'?

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power... when you don't know shit?

Centrelink Fairy

2009-06-01T04:44:00.001+10:00

One day a destitute refugee claimant was outside the Brisbane immigration
offices when the Centrelink fairy appeared.

''My good man,'' the fairy said, ''I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.''

The man told the fairy. ''Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.''
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and....''PING''.....he
had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

''What else?'' asked the fairy, ''Two more to go.''

The refugee claimant now got bolder. ''I need a big house with a three car
garage in with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee
relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over
here.''

''PING''..... In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking
the river.

''One more wish'', said the fairy, waving her wand. ''Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like an Australian with designer clothes instead of manjams,
and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
.........and I want to have white skin like Aussies''

''PING''......The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Collingwood
T- shirt and a baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

''What happened to my new teeth?'' he wailed. ''Where is my new house?''

The fairy said ''Tough luck, shithead, Now that you are an Australian, you
have to fend for yourself.''
..............and she disappeared!

A little known, but important fact . . .

2009-06-01T04:41:00.000+10:00

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet
was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-01T04:34:00.000+10:00

Has anyone else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse........

Next Year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Strailya Mate!

2009-06-01T04:33:00.000+10:00

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the
Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the
same ones twice.

The Human Body

2009-05-19T19:00:00.001+10:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's pen*s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

funny

2009-05-19T19:00:00.000+10:00

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:

you've been listening to your ipod….......................

Pictures Taken At Exactly The wrong Time

2009-05-19T08:40:00.000+10:00

Parent - Job Description.

2009-05-19T07:53:00.000+10:00

PARENT- Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 kph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

weekday funnies..

2009-05-19T07:37:00.000+10:00

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

--------------------------------------------------------

One day, a New Zealander on holiday in London walked into a
curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze
sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so
intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the
shopkeeper the price.

"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him,
"and £100 for the story that goes with it."

"I'll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep
the story."

The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store
with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street
in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley
and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he
passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats
are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He
walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant
lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his
heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the
hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing
insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by
the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of
cats several blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty
leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm
while he hurls the bronze cat into the Thames River.

Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river,
where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes
his way back to the curio shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the
shopkeeper.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a
bronze Australian."

--------------------------------------------------------

You are suffering from what is technically known as an
Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde
female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your
father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between
sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

--------------------------------------------------------

After a torrential rainstorm filled all the potholes in the
streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little
boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his
brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into
the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and
dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she
asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mummy,' he said. 'And I was
just baptizing him ... ... in the name of the Father, the
Son and in ... the hole-he-goes.'

--------------------------------------------------------

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it
in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
two weeks.'

An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of
Queensland, put him in Canberra , and soon about half the
country will be looking for work.'

--------------------------------------------------------

I reckon airports should have a room allocated to atheists
so they can go there and not pray.

--------------------------------------------------------

No One Could Ever Dream Up A Story Like This One.. As a
young piper in Newfoundland, I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless
man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the
country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest
there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the
backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,but the hearse
was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold
them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The
workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played
out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I
played, like I'd never played before: From My Home & The
Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the
lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'Lard
Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'

--------------------------------------------------------

A lady went to the doctor and said 'my husband thinks he's
a refrigerator'.

The doctor said "don't worry he'll get over it".

She said, " It's not that", she said, "when he's asleep
with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me
awake!"

--------------------------------------------------------

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I Would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my
husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw
both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well
now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the funnies... I thought I would share "a
moment" with you from last night...

As a special treat, my partner took our 2 kids to see the
stage show of Wicked. It was a late night for our 6 & 10
year old girls... I collected them in the car and on the
way home, our very tired 6 year old was trying to remember
which day she had to do "Show & Tell" so that she could
report on Wicked..... "I cannot remember which day it is
but it has 'Day' in it's name....."

What followed was an annoyed 10 year old trying to explain
that all days have days in their names...

--------------------------------------------------------

She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the
cute Toyota with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own
dope."

How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient.

Then I noticed the rest of her message... "Plant a man."

Never Drink Baileys!

2009-05-19T02:21:00.000+10:00

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're

sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this

really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited

she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After
a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender
brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

1 A salt shaker,

2 A shot of Baileys,

3 A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks.........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits....

2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....

3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency
hits.....

4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
Jesus what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

COURT DOCKET 12659

2009-04-05T08:38:00.000+10:00

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 yrs old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ' The Double Mint Twins are Comin ' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling ' , and I had to smile."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ' Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident ' ... I just Lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else

Queensland - The Smart State

2009-03-26T23:04:00.000+11:00

- look closely at this pic might take you a min or two (for some of you) to get it

MOTIVATION TIME!!

2009-03-26T23:01:00.000+11:00

Your Application has been rejected....

2009-02-25T18:45:00.000+11:00

stimulus Payment

2009-02-25T14:07:00.000+11:00

Important Information on the Stimulus Payment

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?

"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

"A. Shut up."
_____________________________________________

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless cr@p it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the economy.

We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prost!tutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here.

Education for u.....Origin of great company names

2009-02-22T10:43:00.000+11:00

Mercedes:
This was actually financier's daughter's name.

Adobe:
This came from the name of the river Adobe Creek that ran
behind the house of founder John Warnock.

Apple Computers:
It was the favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobbs.He was
three month slate for filing a name for the business, and he
threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other
colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5
o'clock.

CISCO:
It is not an acronym as popularly believed.. Its short for
San Francisco.

Compaq:
This name was formed by using COMp, for computer and PAQ to
denote a small integral object.

Corel:
The name was derived from the founder's name Dr.
Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland Research
Laboratory.

Google:
The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of
information the search-engine would be able to search. It
was originally named 'Googol',a word for the number
represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders -
Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page
presented their project to an angel investor; they received
a cheque made out to 'Google'.

Hotmail:
Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the
web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer
Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service,
he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and
finally settled for hotmail as it included the
letters"html" - the programming language used to
write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL
with selective uppercasing.

Hewlett Packard :
Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide
whether the company they founded would be called
Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.

Intel:
Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company
'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a
hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of
INTegrated ELectronics.

Lotus (Notes) :
Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The
Lotus Position' or'Padmasana' . Kapor used to be
a teacher of transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh
Yogi.

Microsoft:
Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was
devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened
Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.

Motorola:
Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company
started manufacturin g radios for cars. The popular radio
company at the time was called Victrola.

ORACLE:
Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting
project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code
name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as
the system to give answers to all questions or something
such). The project was designed to help use the newly
written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was
terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they
started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle
and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name
for the company.

Sony:
It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning
sound, and 'sonny' as lang used by Americans to
refer to a bright youngster.

SUN:
Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the
acronym forStanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim
built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott
McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy
to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.

Apache:
It got its name because its founders got started by
applying patches to code written for NCSA's httpd
daemon.. The result was 'A PAtCHy' server --thus,
the name Apache Jakarta (project from Apache):A project
constituted by SUN and Apache to create a web server
handling servlets and JSPs. Jakarta was name of the
conference room at SUN where most of the meetings between
SUN and Apache took place.

Tomcat:
The servlet part of the Jakarta project. Tomcat was the
code name for the JSDK 2.1 project inside SUN.

C:
Dennis Ritchie improved on the B programming language and
called it 'New B'.He later called it C. Earlier B
was created by Ken Thompson as a revision of the Bon
programming language (named after his wife Bonnie).

C++:
Bjarne Stroustrup called his new language 'C with
Classes' and then 'newC'. Because of which the
original C began to be called 'old C' which was
considered insulting to the C community.. At this time Rick
Mascitti suggested the name C++ as a successor to C.

GNU:
A species of African antelope. Founder of the GNU project
Richard Stallman liked the name because of the humor
associated with its pronunciation and was also influenced by
the children's song 'The Gnu Song' which is a
song sung by a gnu. Also it fitted into the recursive
acronym culture with 'GNU's Not Unix'.

Java:
Originally called Oak by creator James Gosling, from the
tree that stood outside his window, the programming team had
to look for a substitute as there was no other language with
the same name. Java was selected from a list of suggestions.
It came from the name of the coffee that the programmers
drank.

LG:
Combination of two popular Korean brands Lucky and
Goldstar.

Linux:
Linus Torvalds originally used the Minix OS on his system
which here placed by his OS. Hence the working name was
Linux (Linus' Minix). He thought the name to be too
egotistical and planned to name it Freax(free+ freak +
x).His friend Ari Lemmke encouraged Linus to upload it to a
network so it could be easily downloaded. Ari gave Linus a
directory called linux on his FTP server, as he did not like
the name Freax.(Linus' parents named him after two-time
Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling) .

Mozilla:
When Marc Andreesen, founder of Netscape, created a browser
to replace Mosaic (also developed by him), it was named
Mozilla (Mosaic-Killer, Godzilla) .The marketing guys
didn't like the name however and it wasre-christened
Netscape Navigator.

Red Hat:
Company founder Marc Ewing was given the Cornell lacrosse
team cap (with red and white stripes) while at college by
his grandfather. He lost it and had to search for it
desperately. The manual of the beta version of Red Hat Linux
had an appeal to readers to return his Red Hat if found by
anyone!

SAP:
"Systems, Applications, Products in Data
Processing", formed by 4 ex-IBM employees who used to
work in the 'Systems/Applicatio ns/Projects' group
of IBM.

SCO (UNIX):
From Santa Cruz Operation. The company's office was in
Santa Cruz.

UNIX:
When Bell Labs pulled out of MULTICS (MULTiplexed
Information and Computing System), which was originally a
joint Bell/GE/MIT project, KenThompson and Dennis Ritchie of
Bell Labs wrote a simpler version of the OS.They needed the
OS to run the game Space War which was compiled
underMULTICS. It was called UNICS - UNIplexed operating and
Computing System by Brian Kernighan. It was later shortened
to UNIX.

Xerox:
The inventor, Chestor Carlson, named his product trying to
say `dry' (asit was dry copying, markedly different from
the then prevailing wet copying). The Greek root `xer'
means dry.

Yahoo!:
The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his
book 'Gulliver's Travels' . It represents a
person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is
barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang and David Filo
selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.

3M:
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Company started off by
mining the material corundum used to make sandpaper.

Nun at the airport

2009-02-22T10:42:00.001+11:00

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES
THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY
AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER
NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128
LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY
GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE
MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT
CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE
GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS
FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED
THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL
MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE
MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING
TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE
MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND
IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE
SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO
THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND
LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY
REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE
FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

AUSTRALIA-- This MUST be done !!!!

2009-02-22T10:09:00.000+11:00

Its your duty, people

AUSTRALIA-- This MUST be done !!!!

It is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked
and he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Sunday at 4:00 PM, all Australian women are asked to walk out of
their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.
All men are to position themselves in deck chairs in front of their house to
prove they are not terrorists and to demonstrate that they think it's okay
to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all
Australian women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to weedout terrorists and
applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.

IT IS YOUR DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

Hundreds Attend Global Warming Protest

2009-02-22T10:04:00.001+11:00

How do pakis name their baby boys?

2009-02-19T21:07:00.001+11:00

How do pakis name their baby boys?

If he smiles - Ismail

If he has only one hair - Iqbal

If he has one hair on the ear - Iqbal Khan

If he has one hair on the bum - Ass If Iqbal

If he shakes his dads ding dong : Sheik-abbu-da-lulla

If he shakes his moms boobs : Sheik - Ma ha boob

If he is born with an erection : Fuckruddin

prawns

2009-02-19T21:04:00.001+11:00

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming
around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old
mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps
the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old
pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(You're going to love this..............................)

.
.
.
.

.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

"NEW" WORDS FOR 2009

2009-02-19T19:36:00.001+11:00

New Words for 2009

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

Who is the better mother?

2009-02-15T09:38:00.000+11:00

Just panicked

2009-02-13T19:29:00.000+11:00

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across
the field.'
A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling
scream and ran back to his son. 'What's wrong?' the father
asked. 'I told you to be quiet.'
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
should we eat them here or take them with us?'

'Well, I guess I just panicked !!!!!!!!!'

Acts 2:38

2009-02-08T20:02:00.000+11:00

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services,

when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may
be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture
can save your life - in more ways than one!

Re: Treament for BLACKEYE

2009-01-31T21:35:00.001+11:00

I find prevention is better than the cure, perhaps women should learn to do this..........

Even God enjoys a good laugh! And every woman will love it......

2009-01-31T17:30:00.001+11:00

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work
to do

Treament for BLACKEYE

2009-01-31T17:28:00.000+11:00

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment

for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it.

Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce
the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually
delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and
blue marks around the eyes.

These same studies have shown that application of warm, soft, and
tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the
damage.

The history of the Middle Finger

2009-01-31T17:27:00.000+11:00

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it,
I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope
that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know
something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native
English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking
the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather
difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the
pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic
gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Combine your email accounts here! Want to marry your mail?

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

2009-01-31T07:12:00.001+11:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine" (refer back to #1).

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Do NOT Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about "nothing". (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man... That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'.).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' (For the woman's response refer to #5, 3 & 1).

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Voted Australian Joke of 2008

2009-01-27T21:02:00.001+11:00

A man's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could
have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
policemen, the old Sarge and a younger constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, some good news and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the man, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first'

The Sarge says 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He
got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The man is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up, there were quite a few
really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the man a sugar bag with a couple of nice crayfish and four or five
crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull
her up again!"

Joke ForToday_An oldie

2009-01-26T13:30:00.000+11:00

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children the
same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour
and flavour.
The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polo's.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the
taste.

"Well", he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

Cat and Mice In Heaven

2009-01-24T17:09:00.001+11:00

A cat died and went to Heaven.. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have
been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm
and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,
and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!'

Who's going to change the tyre?

2009-01-24T17:08:00.001+11:00

What brought down the plane in the Hudson River?

2009-01-24T17:04:00.000+11:00

He Said, I Said

2009-01-24T17:03:00.000+11:00

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
I said to him . ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and Good- looking?
I said to him .. . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said. . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!

four stages of life...

2009-01-24T17:00:00.000+11:00

Friday Funnies

2009-01-23T21:19:00.000+11:00

An exclusive... President Obama's first email
to the American people:

"All whites please report to the cotton fields for
orientation."

--------------------------------------------------

It was the standard series of check-in questions that every
traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?"

"If it was put there without my knowledge," I asked, "how
would I know?"

The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. "That's why we
ask." -- Kate Vetter

--------------------------------------------------

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly f.art.
Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you do it,
you time it with the music. When you start making your way
to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing
dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize . . .

You're listening to your I-pod

--------------------------------------------------

A man once spent days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and
sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and
grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out
he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started
to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When
you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my
hat!"

--------------------------------------------------

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
--Milton Berle

--------------------------------------------------

Reading the joke from the 4 year old in these funnies
reminded me of something my 4 year old said when he was 2

He was in the bath and going through the stage of being
fascinated with his male appendage (I think they grow out
off that stage don't they) he grabbed hold of his doodle
and said

"look mummy, I have a tail"

--------------------------------------------------

A couple just got married and on the night of their honey-
moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband,
"Please be gentile, I'm still a vi rg in."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's that possible?
You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a
gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My
second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do
was talk about it.

"Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

--------------------------------------------------

Jill: What happened to you and that last boyfriend?

Mary: Well, you know how men are supposed to be hunters,
and women are supposed to be gatherers?

Jill: Yeah, I know about that.

Mary: Well, he couldn't hunt enough money to keep up with
my gathering.

--------------------------------------------------

Husband says: When I get mad at you, You Never fight back. How do you
control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

--------------------------------------------------

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 2). from Anthony

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you
into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop
acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY . 'There are millions of
less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait
until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to
get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't
you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 'When that lawn mower cuts
off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 'If you
don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your
father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door
behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age,
you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like you!

GLOBAL CRISIS

2009-01-23T21:13:00.001+11:00

IF THE GLOBAL CRISES Continues, BY THE END OF THIS YEAR THERE WILL BE ONLY 2
BANKS THAT WILL SURVIVE -- THE BLOOD BANK AND THE SPERM BANK

BOTH THESE WILL THEN MERGE AND BE CALLED " THE BLOODY FUCKING BANK "

Nice one.

2009-01-23T21:11:00.001+11:00

Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell
me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to St
Virginia together! Have a great life!

*********************************************************************
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a
far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look
just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if
you can't say something nice, I didn't comment..
And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica .. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free as a bird!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

last cast...

2009-01-22T11:12:00.000+11:00

Humour

2009-01-22T11:08:00.000+11:00

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Boy: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my
sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor

14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

2009-01-22T11:06:00.000+11:00

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a drressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter
and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they
have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.

Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave
it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come
out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children..

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies
and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor &
leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes:
No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional
crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while
playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY

Blonde Mortician

2009-01-22T11:04:00.000+11:00

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

The Loving Husband

2009-01-22T02:46:00.001+11:00

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year,and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."

4 CATS

2009-01-18T17:45:00.000+11:00

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist, and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies........

drank the milk.......

sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

weekend funnies

2009-01-18T17:41:00.001+11:00

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do
that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

From Julia and David

Right before Christmas our 4 year old son, Nathan - ok,
he'll be 5 on March 3rd 09, surprised us at the dinner
table with this one:

"How did the crocodile eat the brick?"

... pause and use a slow, growling voice (as he did),

"With very sharp teeth and plenty of time!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend
Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an
affair?" Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and
tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will
bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it's never
worked."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Diane

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing
her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap
and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder,
the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What goes cloak, cloak?

A: A Chinese toad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just signed for parachute school. I asked the
instructor, "How many jumps do I have to make successfully
before I graduate?" He said: "All of them."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Jan

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand
for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of
bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody
can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got
tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After
that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her
hypodermics and inoculations. Those primary school spelling
tests are really hard these days.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Diane

I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised
me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided
to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the
software gave me a choice of accessories available for my
plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an
AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on,
be serious. These are just paper airplanes."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with
British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word
"manana" (manyana). Diamond asked him to explain what it
meant. He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be
done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after
that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on
the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in
Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe
that degree of urgency."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Part 1). from Anthony
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . 'If
you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will
come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ' Because I said so, that's
why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that
swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store
with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give
you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut
your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look
at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there
until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours
looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you
once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky
turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yester-
day she was crawling around the White House on her hands
and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow
up so fast, don't they?

2009-01-18T17:41:00.000+11:00

2009-01-18T17:40:00.003+11:00

2009-01-18T17:40:00.002+11:00

2009-01-18T17:40:00.001+11:00

2009-01-18T17:40:00.000+11:00

latest motivationals

2009-01-18T17:38:00.000+11:00

clearance sale

2009-01-18T17:36:00.000+11:00